What to Tell the Girls

The whole family at "Dr. Mom's" graduation from LSU with PhD.  The girls told me they were proud of me.  The only thing I really remember about the ceremony is when I was called across stage to get the degree...I heard the girls yell, "We love you Momma!"  Well, I love you to the moon and back!

The whole family at “Dr. Mom’s” graduation from LSU with PhD. The girls told me they were proud of me. The only thing I really remember about the ceremony is when I was called across stage to get the degree…I heard the girls yell, “We love you Momma!” Well, I love you to the moon and back!

Recently, I was invited to speak at the Atlanta Catholic Business Conference sponsored by The Integrated Catholic Life, EWTN, Belmont Abbey College and the Aquinas Center of Theology. It was a blessing to be among such faith-filled working Catholic laity, living in the truth by integrating their faith and all areas of their lives, including their work.

I spoke about ways to be a light of Christ to others, so your faith serves as a magnet, not a repellent. I’ve been on the repellent side of things…it ain’t pretty. It sure ain’t pretty for souls!

After expounding on the significance of the theme, “Living in the Truth,” I shared about how I struggle in the workforce sometimes because at my core is my desire to be a momma. A stay-at-home momma. I described it like this in the talk:

“I must admit, I was whining to my spiritual director one day about the desire in my heart to be a stay at home mom. I had enough of the relativistic workplace, and I did not cherish my work as part of God’s call in my life. I’ve always prayed to stay at home since becoming a mom. But this time, the desire was so strong. I’ve listened for the soft whisper of God directing me out of the work force, and into the home full-time. I’ve watched for a crack in the doorway, or a window left unsealed. I’ve been diligent in my discernment. In a moment of frenzy, I begged God to take the desire away from me, since I did not see a way He was providing for that desire.

My spiritual director listened carefully and tenderly, like always, to my whining. Gently, he said to me, “Mary, your work is a gift from God. As laity, you can do more than I can in this arena. You can touch the hearts of those who work, where I have no access to those places. You can make your workplace a mission field, bringing a message of love, mercy and justice.”

This conversation with my spiritual director truly helped me to put into perspective God’s call in regards to work, and to His personal call to me to be His Light in the workforce. It was quite a revelation, really. Yay, God!

After the talk, I received a question from the audience that I never expected. This question has me pondering left and right lately. It was a good question. It was the right question for me. It is one of those questions that makes you journal until your fingers bleed (OK, not literally)…

Here was the question from a man in the audience:

“Given your heart’s desire to stay at home, and yet discerning God’s will and staying where He has you, and being the mother of 4 daughters – one of whom is in college, what advice would you give them about working?”

This question sucker-punched me right in between the eyes. Honestly, I’ve not had conversations like this with my girls. I know two of them who would roll their eyes right out of their heads if I tried to have the conversation. But the question itself – it was as if the wind was knocked out of my sails.

Now, of course, I’ve been pondering.

Here is what I said at the conference:

“Well, that’s an excellent question. (Silence for a moment as I gathered my wits and thoughts…)…I hope that I would tell them they must discern God’s Holy Will in their own lives. I hope I would tell them that family comes right after God, even if you work. I would ask them to think about why they work. Are they working to support the family’s needs? Are they working to support the family’s extravagant wants? What is the end of their work? I would want them to choose wisely and with discernment what God wants of them. I know one of my daughters is OPEN to religious life. I would also tell you that I was criticized for working by very close friends who were Catholic. These women told me that I was making wrong decisions by working and placing that above raising my family. I was always frustrated with God about the financial provision of our family, and I never knew what to make of it, until Steve (my husband) was in a coma and subsequent 10 years of brain injury recovery. It was then that I could see the role of work in my life, and I thanked God for both my education and work experience so our family wasn’t tanked financially because of such a tragedy.”

OK, that was the conference answer, and it is basically the same answer I would give since all this pondering. But I would finesse it a little bit, to include the following:

1. Ask your patron saint to pray for you. To intercede on your behalf. To ask God to reveal His most PERFECT and HOLY Will for your life. Ask Our Blessed Mother to care for you in this discernment, and to pray for your intentions.

2. Think of the working Catholic mommas of the faith: Saint Gianna Molla; Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross; and Blessed Mother Teresa. These women embraced their motherhood: biological and/or spiritual motherhood. These women are incredible examples of women who listened to the still small voice of God in their lives. They worked. Saint Gianna worked as a pediatrician; Saint Teresa Benedicta of the Cross was an academician before entering the Carmelites after a conversion experience; Blessed Mother Teresa was a religious sister. No matter their station in life, these three women had work as a commonality, and they turned their work into an offering to Our Lord.

3. If you do work, offer your talents, skills, and abilities to Our Lord. Offer your day, full of joy, suffering, struggle, and happiness, to Our Lord in the morning before your feet hit the floor. Remember that work was created by God, and we can honor God with our work by offering it back to Him.

4. Be grateful to God for everything concerning work: Be grateful for your education, for your training and abilities, for your supervisors and supervisees, for rest time and vacation spent away from work, for the difficult co-workers, for the easy to get along with co-workers, FOR EVERYTHING…All is a gift from God.

5. If you are called to work, scrutinize your priorities regularly. Sometimes as a working Catholic momma, your priorities can get out of whack at times. Make sure you keep the following priorities: God, family, career. My spiritual director even told me that after God and family would be anything that would support my vocation of wife and mother. Right now, work is part of that equation, so it is third for me. Ministry is another thing that is helping to support my family (not just financially, but also spiritually), so it is #4 for me. Everything else, as we say in South Louisiana, is Lagniappe.

6. Don’t work or not work out of jealousy of other’s lifestyles or blessings. Jealousy/envy is a sin (one I struggle with, but am working on to develop the virtue of gratitude). Stay focused on what God is telling and asking of you. His plan and will always includes your HOLINESS, but everyone’s path to HOLINESS is different and uniquely crafted by Someone who loves you and knows what is best for you! Isn’t that a relief that we don’t have to compare or covet the lifestyle of others? Kind of freeing, actually!

7. Repeat this prayer many times a day, and especially at the 3 o’clock hour: Jesus, I trust in You!

Do I still want to be a stay at home momma? YES, I do. I imagine that will always be a desire of my heart. When that happens, I imagine I will miss the work world at times.

Mostly, I’m trying to be led by God, and not run ahead of Him or lag behind. I am surrendering to be led by the King of Kings. That has made all the difference in life.

As Saint Gianna once said,

“Work can be prayer…if we offer to the Lord all that we perform so that they might serve His glory. Whatever we say or do should be done in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.”

Followed up by Blessed Mother Teresa, who reminds us to show our love through our work:

“If you are really in love with Christ, no matter how small your work, it will be done better; it will be wholehearted. Your work will prove your love.”

So my dear four daughters…I love you. I am always praying for you. And, God loves and provides for you most of all – so turn your eyes upon Jesus!

Love and Peace,

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  1. Dawn Fortenberry says:

    Wow! You hit it right. I bet they loved this. You had the perfect answers, in my opinion, to the question about working moms. Thank you Mary for your wisdom and sharing with others. God is definitely working in your life. Keep up the good work. Can’t wait to listen to you speak at Rosaryville.

  2. Thoughtful and very REAL. I watch Karen and walk with her as she goes through the same internal questioning, and we are always confirmed in her position that she is right where God wants her to be (for now). He is able to use her as a vessel to pour out His love and Spirit to so many that otherwise may not get to experience His Grace. You two really inspire me!!

    • Larry…thanks for sharing that. Karen is an excellent role model for me, for sure. She has always been so supportive of who I am at my core, and what I do in my work. I just really struggle sometimes. :( I know God has me right where He wants me, because He has made no moves out of the situation. Thanks for the comment!

  3. WOW! This is the story of my life, too! A desire to be at home with my kids so strong I think it might break me everyday that I have to go off to work. And praying for God to either change our situation or let me be at peace with it. I have gained much more peace, and I see now that God knew my job was necessary all along. My husband lost his job a year ago and is still looking for a job. I THANK GOD for the blessing of my job to provide for us. But I still pray that one day, God will see fit to answer “yes” to my prayer to be at home :). It’s so comforting to see others struggling with the same things. Thank you for sharing!

    • Laura…the struggle is so real, for sure. Prayer is definitely where it starts for me…Help me, Lord. Let me be Your instrument.

      Thanks for the comment!


  4. Mary: I am an elder law attorney that advocates for the elderly and disabled. I have always worked. And I have wonderful children who have always shared their mom with clients. I believe we are given talents and are held accountable for how we use them. I think work – paid or unpaid, SAHM or professional – is a part of that accountability. I don’t know where the theology is on that thought, but I have assumed God made me with an advocate’s heart and assertive nature to be a voice for the timid and fragile and I should use that. But I also use those same skills in advocating for my family. Ultimately, I think you are absolutely right…do the “work” you are lead by God to do in the manner He asks of you. Guard against corruption of that design. I think that corruption can be in the form of working just to keep up with your peers and have more material things, but I also think that corruption can be selfishly limiting your use of your talents to JUST your family if you ignore the calling to use them elsewhere as well.

    • Lisa,

      This is another great perspective on it for sure! I think we are to be the light of Christ in all arenas, starting with our families, but extending into the public life, and other arenas God call us. Thanks for sharing your perspective, and your advocate heart!



  5. Daphne Kirksey says:

    Thanks for this great post. I rejoined the workforce 4 years ago after being a stay at home mom for 10 years. It became increasingly clear that I needed to be working to help our family financially. Although I was very reluctant at first and terrified, there have been so many blessings that have come out of this. I was worried about some Catholic moms judging me but then I realized I had to do what was best for my family. And I felt like this was God’s will. I thank God because my first job practically fell in my lap. I also have been pleasantly surprised by how much I have enjoyed going back to work. I am a first born overachiever and do struggle with God first, family second, work third. The Holy Spirit is speaking to me through your words in reminding me of this. Thank you again and prayers for you and your family.

    • Daphne,

      Your words are a balm to my soul, as well. We must encourage one another on this journey, and that is what you are doing for me in this comment. Blessings to you and your family, as you continue to journey. Keep your eyes focused on His Will for your life…all the journeys are different, and some are similar. But yours is as unique as the knitting in your mother’s womb. Be blessed!


  6. This was a great post! I struggle with this too. I am currently on maternity leave, I return to work in March, and the desire to be at home has really grown in me a lot more during this leave. My husband isn’t ready yet for me to stay at home, so I keep praying and hoping that things will work out one day. I really do like my job and know that if I leave it I am leaving this career behind. And it’s kind of weird too because I know if (or when) I am able to be home with my children, I will also miss my job at times. It scares me a little and I sometimes worry that I romanticize what it would be like to be a SAHM and then regret giving up my career. It’s a real struggle in my brain right now. But I truly appreciate your thoughts on this in this post. You’ve given me a lot to ponder. Thanks!

    • Kerri,

      Being a momma is no easy thing, is it? Keep your eyes focused on His Holy Will for your life. He will never lead you where His grace cannot sustain you. I have found that to be true time and time again.



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